Excerpt from “My Adventures – The Life of Theros Vitalstatistix, vol.1”
So it’s true…I really DO have to get up for a second day in a row before lunch. What the deuce?
Pulling himself warily out of bed, Theros yawns and sighs mightily.
“Well, it’s official. Dad hates me.”
He leaves the house unwillingly, but meets a fairly ragtag group of people at the wagon of goods to go to Hexagon. The driver nods his head towards the back and everybody jumps in…unfortunately, that puts Theros within smell distance of a drunk of incredible stamina, and the smell is something to behold. Eyes watering, he can’t help but whimper as he watches Barney fall asleep and begin to snore, oblivious to the world.
Ashe is talkative. He actually seems to WANT to go and have a look around and meet the bandits. Likable, but, maybe a little naive? Nugg has the temerity to have a bloody dog in the back with us! The only thing making that better is that it’s pungent aroma is offset by the drunk. At least he’s quiet and seems earnest, if a little overly friendly with the dog. Called Dog!? No imagination. Oh, oh let’s not forget the idiot. I’m not even sure he has a name, but what keeps making its way out of his mouth is nothing short of a miracle of nonsense. Muttering to himself, he leans back and regrets every…single…bump in the road.
“This is going to be the longest day of my life.”
And it was. And only got longer when the sound of some uppity bandit stops the wagon and politely tells the driver that he’s going to rob him blind.
At this point, Theros is looking around a little wildly, glancing at everybody in the back, and is greeted by a weird mix of enthusiasm, stoicism, madness and ignorance as the drunk continued to sleep.
“Am I the only sane one here? This is bad…real bad. There is an actual bandit out there.”
Ashe, Nugg and Dog hop out of the wagon and go in different directions and the Idiot leaps out and immediately disappears as he literally sprints into hiding somewhere. Theros can’t help himself…he’s a little impressed despite his horror.
“That guy is a damn idiot, but that might just be the best idea of the whole blasted mess!”
From his blind vantage, all Theros can do is block out the snoring and he peeks a look out the front of the wagon. The bandit is drawing a weapon! Shit! Glancing round frantically, the drunk is still asleep, so Theros panics a bit and then takes a deep breath. Drawing up courage, he speaks quietly to himself.
“I hope this works.”
A strange language flows from his mouth as he focuses intently on the dagger, and has to fight from laughing with relief as the dagger slips from the mans hand, as the magical grease did its work. How he learnt these words he doesn’t know…somehow, he’s always known little things like this.
Another dagger is pulled and there are now noises all around the wagon. Arrows flying, Dog snarling, then yelping…the chaos of combat has come to Theros. He bravely peers out the front again and yells at the bandit.
“This is your one chance. Leave now and never return and you leave with your life!”
That was…uninspiring. The world turned into a blur. Theros shook and then kicked Barney into action and for some foolish reason, followed him out, holding his bow limply in his hand. A shot from somewhere startled him as an arrow stuck into the bandit. His body shaking, it took a moment to realise that it was HIS arrow.
Looking around, Barney was the only one to be seen, trying to force a drink on the bandit. I actually felt a twinge of sorrow for the poor sod, being forced to stand within inches of that drunkenly sustained musk. Everybody else was scattered. Some feet were under the wagon, some yelling from the tree to the side and arrows kept appearing.
Theros bolted for the tree and immediately felt weak. A strange urge grew in him to say…
“Something leapt up and bit me in the buttock…”
He keeled over and the light turned dark.
Awaking to a strange face, he did incredibly well to calm his emotions. The Bandit! He introduced himself as Vigeo Cellerdoor. Watching him, Theros actually felt a pang of jealousy. That windswept hair! The regal stride! The way his voice carried, just right!
As Vigeo explained his situation, Theros became more enamoured. This man was RIGHT! He and his people were oppressed! They must be helped! Or at least allowed to get out of these shithole little kobold dwellings they were forced to squat in.
A gold mine was the answer. So with some discussion, and some pleading, Theros led his valiant group away…and almost immediately found this world was bigger and stranger than he had ever realised.
A man in ornate heavy armour, the like not seen ever in Digon, and a woman…cat…person crossed paths. They were dangerous, that’s for sure. And fickle, if this cat woman was any indication. Luckily, Theros was able to garner the direction of the mine, thank them and move the group along before the two changed their minds and killed, robbed or something them all. Or maybe it would just be the cat woman.
The entrance of the mine was in sight as suddenly, a portal crackled to life in front of the eclectic group. Somebody, or something was trying to say something, but who or what it was couldn’t be made out, and only two words could be understood from almost all of the rambling.
The portal disappeared as quickly as it appeared and the party collectively shrugged their shoulders and set their sights on the mine. Reaching it ensured some immortal words from Barney Gumble!
“Fuck it, they’re stopping me getting to the pub!”
In shock, Theros could only watch, mouth agape as Barney then immediately charged towards two dog, rat like things and two green miniature monsters, possibly these goblins we had been told of.
A quick breathing exercise limbered his throat and Theros began to sing, and immediately noticed the group respond. He moved forward and planted an arrow in the side of the dog things face as Ashe cast some form of godly blessing on the group. Barney cleaved a goblin in twain, Dog attacked and tore out the dog things throat and somehow another dog appeared from nowhere and disappear almost immediately. A purple bolt flew from behind us and as we turned, the Idiot shrugged his shoulders and looked as puzzled as us, saying…
“Where’d that come from?”
The combat was quick and brutal. Theros was able to put more arrows in things and the remaining two monsters were slain.
After a quick breather, the valiant group entered the mine. Nugg had some form of magic in him as well! The mine was dark and he was able to conjure some light that stuck to whatever he cast it on like glue! What a fascinating spell. Or not, apparently, if you’re a drunk. Barney took one look, cursed and off he fucked, the spell deflating his courage. Some unkind words and a couple of wee tricks later and Barney was back in front of the group, leading the way down.
About a hundred feet down, they discovered two passages branching off and a shaft going directly down, glowing with an eerie green light, which was incredibly deep.
Noise came from the left, so they moved on, promising Ashe that the shaft would still be there when they came back.
Three goblins were excavating something, a shape, from the tunnel wall. They turned and the goblin in the middle was obviously something different. It cast a spell, much like the one Ashe cast, and then directed its minions to attack us.
Another well placed arrow and another dead goblin, Theros was beginning to feel like this was not such a bad life.
“Ha! Take that you little green bastard”
He shouted between verses of song. His music was clearly aiding the others again, the power of music driving them to greater feats than they would normally be capable of.
The other goblin minion went down quickly and the leader goblin looked worried. Suddenly, as it was surrounded, the thing the goblins were excavating broke free of the wall and slammed its mighty fists down on the Idiot, knocking him from his feet and consciousness. Theros panicked and reflexively cast a spell, greasing the floor beneath the thing, goblin and Ashe, causing all but Ashe no problems whatsoever…
“Oh gods, sorry Ashe!”
Suddenly, the tunnel grew wet and dark, even with the magical light showing the way. Muffled sounds and lights moved at the edge of Theros’ vision and a few seconds later, the scene cleared as the fog melted away, showing the goblin curled up in a ball on the ground, shaking in terror and the thing, the construct, from the wall pulsing with a green light, faster and faster.
“Um, is it supposed to do that?”
Theros fired one last arrow at this thing and the pulsing stopped. A sense of calm settled over the tunnel and party members.